What got me traumatised and anxious?

I am so so so sick an tired living in constant fear, worry and anxiety. This has been going on for way too long, and I don’t know what could help this. 

Or yes, I know simply doing much less would put some pressure off me and set me in a state of enjoying, existing, resting and digesting.

I just have this constant anxiety about money, about things I might have forgotten, another catastrophe suddenly coming at me that nobody will help me with, but I need to survive alone. 

I’ve tried to think so many times why am I like this. Why am I fearing existence, when everything is well. 

But I kind of know. It comes from the feeling of not having any “safe adult” or higher power in my life, that I could just fully lean on and be carried by. 

I feel like I need to be able to do certain things, like keep home clean, stay fit, maintain sciatic nerve health so the problems don’t come back, maintain certain life, be a good girlfriend, stay in touch with family and friends, act happy and grateful 24/7 and feel good and relaxed. Ah yeah, and dream, fulfill dreams, execute, plan, improve and grow as a person.

One of the main traumatizing points have been the illnesses abroad that I was left completely alone with. Meaning my chronic migraine in Malta. I had to take days off from work and it was already so embarrassing. And then looking for help for it; I felt like all the doctors were fake doctors, so I could not trust any systems at all.

Same downward road continued in Rovaniemi, when I felt all the “friends” there had turned their back to me while I had been gone for over two years. 

Well, the main events that broke the camels back happened in Spain. First, getting car robbed broke the trust to humanity. 

Breaking my back completely and in public health services I was again just left to die and survive alone, without knowing will I ever walk, sit or live my life. 

And then the call in summer 2024, hearing that Mango is not answering phone. Checking his whatasapp and seeing he was last time active 4 days ago. I immediately knew. 

Knew that he was gone forever. And that also without clear explanation from healthcare and the scientific research of the reason. 

But then again, it’s not like it has always been so stable and simple and nice in my childhood. It’s not enough that I had to move every 2-3 years, but also I had to fall down to concrete floor sharp edge from gymnastics rings, I had to be bitten to face by german shepherd and I had to be left out by friend groups. 

And later as a young adult, cheated by a person I never thought I’d get cheated by.

But then again, isn’t everyone’s life hard? Am I just overly sensitive?

And so what if I am, can’t I just be that way?

The only thing is that it is super duper consuming, because I am at the same time ambitious and determined, and then also sensitive, full of fear and not being able to trust anyone or anything to carry me in life.

I would just want to have this fearless childhood feeling back, when you don’t constantly feel like you need to carry, figure and fix everything in life alone. 

I don’t get the feeling of safety and security anywhere. 

But then again, whose fault is that but mine?

I would just want to feel that this life will carry me and everything will be just fine, even if I let go, don’t fix everything and don’t constantly actively do things. 

What makes things more scary is that it has probably been too long carrying fears in me that I feel it as constant pain on the left side of my body. 

I would need someone to hold, help and carry me.

But I guess everyone would need this, in a way.

At least everyone who chose to build life abroad and everything unconventional.

I just don’t fucking know. 

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